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Jokes and Anecdotes (all rated PG-13 or less)
If you can contribute a joke click here Submit information (tips, area suggestions, etc)
You know you are a Washingtonian if:
1. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
2. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
3. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
4. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
5. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
6. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, Chum, Pink and Sockeye Salmon.
7. You know how to correctly pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Humptulips, Peshashtin and Yakima.
8. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
9. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.
10. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
11. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
12. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see them through the cloud cover.
13. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
14. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
15. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after not using them since last year.
16. You measure distance in hours.
17. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
18. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall).
19. You know what is meant by the phrase "the mountain's out."
20. You truly care about who wins the Apple Cup. (submitted by Matthew C)
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Washington on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed 'Wow! That was the most sportsman-like act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!'
The first hunter nodded and said; 'Well... we were married for 42 years.' (submitted by Andy L.)
The day after
his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Puget Sound , a man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Sheriff's Deputies. "We are sorry
sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted. The Deputies looked at
each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the
ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The Deputy said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your
wife's body in the Sound." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Deputy continued,
"When we pulled her up, she had 10 five pound Dungeness and 6 good-size rock
crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
The Deputy said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." (submitted
by Pat L)
A 4x4 buck, a 3x3 buck and a spike buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.
The 4x4 says, "I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along."
The 3x3 buck says, "I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!"
The spike buck says, "My two are alright, better than nothing I guess."
Then all of a sudden a GIANT 25 point non-typical buck walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a phone pole and snapped it off at the ground! The three bucks looked on in amazement.
4x4 says, "I could probably get by with 4 does... Who really needs 10 anyways?"
3x3 says, "You know.. come to think of it, I could only really use one or two of mine!"
The spike buck was silent, the other two bucks look over to him in confusion. Suddenly the yearling runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass... pisses all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree and chews a scent branch clean off! Then he runs back over to his two buddies.
His friends immediately jump him, "What the hell are you doing!?"
"I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!" he replies. (submitted by P Lathrop)
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Washington, spotted a small bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a bigger bear. The bigger bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the big bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Washington where he found the bigger bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge bear stood right next to him. The huge bear said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the huge bear than be mauled to death. So the huge bear had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Washington and managed to track down the huge bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear looked at him
and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?' (submitted by Beau W)
Physician Humor... A Family
practice physician, a gynecologist, a general surgeon, and a pathologist are
all out hunting ducks in a blind around Moses Lake. A set comes into the
decoys and the family practice doctor sees that the birds have bills like
ducks, feet like ducks, and are quacking like ducks. The family practice
doctor diagnoses the birds as
ducks, stands up and takes a double.
The gynecologist saw that the
birds had the plumage and the general characteristics of male and female
and quickly diagnosed the birds as ducks and took two drakes.
The general surgeon saw that
there was movement in some cattails to the side of the blind, shot into the
cattails and turned to the pathologist and asked... "what did I hit?" -
(Tom, Elma, WA)
A bear and a rabbit are standing in the middle of the Okanogan forest relieving themselves as animals do... The bear looks over to the rabbit and says "does poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit nervously replies "why yes it certainly does!" The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him. (submitted by Parker L)
Q. What's the best use for an elk hide? A. To keep an elk together, that's what... (submitted by Parker L)
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked
up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes
later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500
just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$1500." (courtesy Ty T)
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